Installment Three - Charles J Guiteau

Billy: So why did you want to be Ambassador to Vienna or France? Why not India, Japan, or Mexico?
Guiteau: Mostly because I despise hot dry climates and rice.
Billy: What are your most famous quotes?
Guiteau: I am responsible for many of the famous quotations that make this country great such as, "Go ahead, make my day," or the adage, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." The quote for which I am most proud occurred during a dinner party when someone asked what the guests would be served for dessert. I replied, "Let them eat cake!" Unfortunately, others have been credited for these profound and visionary lines.
Billy: What do you think about the Bible; thumbs up or thumbs down?
Guiteau: Thumbs up for the Old Testament… down for the New.
Billy: Do you believe in reincarnation?
Guiteau: No.
Billy: If you could choose to come back as someone else in another life, who would it be?
Guiteau: Either Oliver Cromwell or Donna Reed.
Billy: Are you an animal lover?
Guiteau: I am, but they seem to have little or no tolerance for me.
Billy: What is your favorite animal?
Guiteau: The duck billed platypus; a creature that embodies strength, virility, and wisdom.
Billy: Would your life have been different had you had a BFF? Do you need a BFF now? I’ll be your BFF.
Guiteau: Actually I do have a BFF. His name is THE LORD… I don’t know if you know this, but He is the one who urged me to purge this world of James Garfield. Billy: How do you want to be remembered?
Guiteau: I want to be remembered as a man who rose up from meager beginnings in order to accomplish all that he alone knew he must accomplish; a man who single handedly changed the course of an entire nation; a man who held fast to his beliefs though they cost him all that he possessed including his life; a man women wanted and men wanted to be.
I think that sums me up nicely.
Billy: Looking back, if you could choose to assassinate any President other than James Garfield which President would it be and why?
Guiteau: There are about thirty others, and I haven’t the time to go into that right now. However, that George W. Bush seems to be a well-read and intelligent individual. I think history will remember him as it has me.
Billy: Do you have any regrets?
Guiteau: I regret that I never remarried.
Billy: Who is your 2008 Presidential pick?
Guiteau: I’ve really lost interest since Henry Ross Perot is no longer participating. Billy: Who would you like to have dinner with?
Guiteau: Anyone who would stay past the salad.
Billy: Do you have a favorite curse word?
Guiteau: Cursing is a vile and crude practice employed by those individuals who are ill equipped in the art of expressing a real range of emotion. – Fucktard.
Billy: What is a word you love?
Guiteau: Gregarious.
Billy: What about a word you hate?
Guiteau: Phallic.
Billy: American Idol or Dancing With the Stars?
Guiteau: Dancing With the Stars; the thought of space travel has always intrigued me.
Billy: Do you have any final thoughts?
Guiteau: People of America I beseech you; leave Brittney Spears alone!