Installment Four - Giuseppe Zangara

Billy: As an Italian immigrant, do you think your attempted assassination of President Roosevelt further darkened the public’s perception of Italians and Italian immigrants in the U.S?
Zangara: I no immigrant. I am American. I pay my dues, I work hard, and I get nothing in return but pain. I no care what the capitalists think of me.

Billy: Regarding your stomach pain, could someone have been secretly poisoning you? I think chromium can go undetected quite easily. Did someone have it out for you?
Zangara: No, the pain come from the hate, from no one caring about me, from the rich getting good treatment and the poor, like me, getting spat on. I have no one. There is no one to poison me, only cause is capitalist scum.

Billy: Was Roosevelt really your intended target or were you actually working for Al Capone and the Chicago mob?
Zangara: Zangara work for only for Zangara. Only person who cares about me is me. Al Capone is capitalist of worst kind. He kill anyone who get in way of his money. I would have kill him too if it weren’t so cold in Chicago.

Billy: Back to your stomach woes, had anyone ever suggested that you may have been lactose intolerant?
Zangara: Huh, what that mean? Who are these Lactose you speak of? I no intolerant of anyone but capitalists. All of them should die.

Billy: Why didn’t you return to Italy when things weren’t quite going your way here in the U.S? Better yet, why not return to Italy and assassinate Dictator Benito Mussolini?
Zangara: I told you! I not Italian! I came here to be American. To escape Italy and the way it was there. I came because in America everyone allowed opportunity. Everyone but me I guess; I get no opportunity. I work hard, and all I get is more pain.

Billy: Did you ever try morphine?
Zangara: My doctors never offered this morphine. They tell me everything else though. They say it is the smoking…so I quit. They say it is the drinking…so I quit. They tell me it is appendix...so I get it cut out, and nothing help - only get worse. I can not sleep no more. I can not eat no more. The burning so bad sometimes that it feel like I drinking boiling water.

Billy: Did you really think assassinating Roosevelt would make you feel better in some way or did you just know it would be a free ticket to the chair? Were you so miserable that you just wanted to die but couldn’t take your own life due to religious reasons or something like that?
Zangara: I did it to make difference. These people, the capitalists, keep me down, keep every body down. They keep us in pain. They keep us poor because they need us to do the dirty work. They no want us to get the dream. I no believe in God. I no believe in anything but what I see, and what I see is greed and suffering all caused by ruling class.

Billy: The year is 2008. Looking back, if you could choose any President to assassinate who would it be and why?
Zangara: Zangara kill all of them. All represent a broken system. All have made sure the poor stay poor and the rich get more richer. They no care. FDR and Bush…everybody the same.

Billy: Do you have any regrets?
Zangara: I regret missed killing the bastard.

Billy: How do you want to be remembered?
Zangara: I no care. No one will remember Zangara. No one care.

Billy: Who’s your 2008 Presidential pick?
Zangara: Ha…is this a joke? Don’t make me laugh it hurts my belly!

Billy: If you could have dinner with anyone, living or deceased, who would it be and why?
Zangara: I no hardly eat. I eat alone. But if I were healthy I would like to eat with my father so I could poison him.

Billy: Tiramisu or cannoli?
Zangara: Both too rich. Both make me gassy.

Billy: What is your favorite word?
Zangara: Capitalist.

Billy: What is your least favorite word?
Zangara: Same as above Capitalist. I love the word because it carries so much hate for me. It fed my hate and allowed me to go on day-to-day knowing that one day I would kill the kings and that America would be better off. By America I mean the people, the poor people that make up America and keep it running. Not the ones who take bribes and pay-offs and do nothing but give themselves raises and bonuses while cutting jobs and making us eat their scraps that they throw down to us like dogs.

Billy: What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Zangara: Only emotion I have left is hate. Only things I hate is the rich, the capitalists, the Kings.

Billy: What turns you off?
Zangara: Greed, suits that cost more than I make in a year, houses that built for two people but could shelter many, many homeless peoples that are starving and cold. “Give us your tired your poor?” Bull shit! Give them to us as long as they will be maid or do hard labor or clean up after my filthy pig self… That what they meant!

Billy: What is your favorite curse word?
Zangara: Vaffanculo; fuck off in American.

Billy: What sound or noise do you love?
Zangara: Silence.

Billy: What sound or noise do you hate?
Zangara: Laughter.

Billy: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Zangara: No sure. I love brick laying when I was healthy. I love just me and the bricks. Buidling something with my own two hands. The bricks no argue. They no better than me. Used to take pride in my job. No more. No more building nice buildings for people who no care if I live or die.

Billy: What profession would you not like to do?
Zangara: Lawyer. I can no defend capitalist laws that are put in place to make sure poor minority types get put behind bars and rich people get off with no punishment. They deserve punishment. They all commit crimes against humanity. They all keep us under their thumbs. We no exist and they no care if we live or die. Nobody cares about nothing.

Billy: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Zangara: There is no heaven. There is no God. If God were true, he would no let me suffer the way I have. He would no let the people at the top, the politicals and the Kings get away with their greed and their murder. They kill us through indifference.

Billy: Any final thoughts?
Zangara: I don’t care if no one reads this interview. I no care if I am remembered. I did what I had to. I no sorry I killed anyone. They all capitalist worshipping scum. I hope they felt the pain I felt and I hope they suffered horribly.

Installment Three - Charles J Guiteau

Billy: So why did you want to be Ambassador to Vienna or France? Why not India, Japan, or Mexico?
Guiteau: Mostly because I despise hot dry climates and rice.
Billy: What are your most famous quotes?
Guiteau: I am responsible for many of the famous quotations that make this country great such as, "Go ahead, make my day," or the adage, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." The quote for which I am most proud occurred during a dinner party when someone asked what the guests would be served for dessert. I replied, "Let them eat cake!" Unfortunately, others have been credited for these profound and visionary lines.
Billy: What do you think about the Bible; thumbs up or thumbs down?
Guiteau: Thumbs up for the Old Testament… down for the New.
Billy: Do you believe in reincarnation?
Guiteau: No.
Billy: If you could choose to come back as someone else in another life, who would it be?
Guiteau: Either Oliver Cromwell or Donna Reed.
Billy: Are you an animal lover?
Guiteau: I am, but they seem to have little or no tolerance for me.
Billy: What is your favorite animal?
Guiteau: The duck billed platypus; a creature that embodies strength, virility, and wisdom.
Billy: Would your life have been different had you had a BFF? Do you need a BFF now? I’ll be your BFF.
Guiteau: Actually I do have a BFF. His name is THE LORD… I don’t know if you know this, but He is the one who urged me to purge this world of James Garfield. Billy: How do you want to be remembered?
Guiteau: I want to be remembered as a man who rose up from meager beginnings in order to accomplish all that he alone knew he must accomplish; a man who single handedly changed the course of an entire nation; a man who held fast to his beliefs though they cost him all that he possessed including his life; a man women wanted and men wanted to be.
I think that sums me up nicely.
Billy: Looking back, if you could choose to assassinate any President other than James Garfield which President would it be and why?
Guiteau: There are about thirty others, and I haven’t the time to go into that right now. However, that George W. Bush seems to be a well-read and intelligent individual. I think history will remember him as it has me.
Billy: Do you have any regrets?
Guiteau: I regret that I never remarried.
Billy: Who is your 2008 Presidential pick?
Guiteau: I’ve really lost interest since Henry Ross Perot is no longer participating. Billy: Who would you like to have dinner with?
Guiteau: Anyone who would stay past the salad.
Billy: Do you have a favorite curse word?
Guiteau: Cursing is a vile and crude practice employed by those individuals who are ill equipped in the art of expressing a real range of emotion. – Fucktard.
Billy: What is a word you love?
Guiteau: Gregarious.
Billy: What about a word you hate?
Guiteau: Phallic.
Billy: American Idol or Dancing With the Stars?
Guiteau: Dancing With the Stars; the thought of space travel has always intrigued me.
Billy: Do you have any final thoughts?
Guiteau: People of America I beseech you; leave Brittney Spears alone!